FMA Abridged With Commentary: Season 2
by Anonymius
Summary: Sequel to FMA Abridged With Commentary : Season 1.
1. Hiromu Arakawa's Executioner

**I do not own FMA or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: I'm glad you all came. Tonight we celebrate my triumph over- whoever it was we were fighting.

Minions: HOORAY!

Commentator: And now, with the defeat of- whatshisname that Anonymius was too lazy to name- I am one step closer to achieving my goal as ruler of-

(Professor comes running in)

Professor: Everyone! Stop everything!

Sammy: You didn't sign a cheque for bowling?

(Professor stamps on him)

Professor: Sir! I bring urgent news that concerns you!

Commentator: News about me? What kind?

Professor: Well you know how one of our readers requested if she could use the talking manga idea?

Commentator: Oh I know. Weren't we going to respond to it anyway even though Anonymius responded to it beforehand and we'd have a comical scene with you all for permitting its use whereas I would be against it?

Professor: Forget that! Something urgent has come to my attention!

Commentator: What is it?

Professor: You're best to see it for yourself. Check out Kurisita1's fanfic!

Commentator: Oh alright. Put it on screen!

Moments later...

Commentator: Well everything seems to be in order. Although-

Professor: Scroll down.

Commentator: Well okay. But I seriously I don't know- Commenter? Commenter? COMMENTER? Dear Lord. It's finally happened. I'VE BEEN CLONED! (Starts to cry) Sniff! I've always dreamt of this moment! Well I always thought that you'd be cloned with me as well, Professor. It's probably because I'm the more popular character! Let me see more about this Commentator wannabe!

Sammy: AHAHAHAHAHA! I love the introduction of the Commenter! It's alot like when you were introduced Boss, only funnier!

(Silence)

Commentator: DIE! (Shocks Sammy)

Minion 1: Seriously Master, this commentator seems to be just as authoritarian and sarcastic and wacky as you! In fact I think he's funnier!

Commentator: That's impossible, no one is funnier than me! I'm the funniest thing in Reality! Nobody-say-a word! Of course I don't think-

Professor: Sir, you are forbidden by Anonymius from saying anything critical about the fanfic!

Commentator: But-I-he-

Professor: No! Anonimius can't live with the thought that he possibly crushed another writer's will to write a fanfic!

Commentator: I can!

Professor: So, will you be pressing charges?

Commentator: (Stares at the Professor) ARE YOU INSANE? Don't you realise what this is? This is evidence that I am influencing people. MWAHAHAHA! Soon I shall spread into the minds of others, and become an Internet celebrity! And you want me to limit my influence? I want to know more about this Commenter, and make contact with him! Problem is, I don't know what to say.

Professor: Oh, okay. Besides I don't think you could make a case anyway. There's nothing that stops people from creating a similar idea. Like this talking manga comic!

Fullmetal Alchemist Manga: You mean there's another like me? HOORAY!

Minion 2: Where did that come from?

Fullmetal Alchemist Manga: I want to meet up with this Furuba Manga! Maybe get a cup of coffee!

Minion 3: Manga can drink coffee?

Commentator: No, I forbid you from seeing this shoujo manga!

Fullmetal Alchemist Manga: Hey! You can't tell me what to do! You're not my father!

Commentator: Oh you just wait for the end of FMA SEASON 2 Abridged (With Commentary).... Well while I'm here I might as well check out the other review:

That Siren (Psiren?) episode is harder to take serious now more than ever XD This one was kind of rushed, but that's okay. It was still funny, no matter how painfully cliche I'm now realizing FMA was. No wonder I love the manga so.

Awesome job, and yes, I did like the translation part. Shocking, I know.

SakuraSagura

Professor: Oh dear. It was never our intent to make people think less of Fullmetal Alchemist.

Commentator: Mine was!

Professor: Oh. Right. No, our only intent was to target the flaws that everyone knew of and cure the world's frustration at stupid writing by making it funny.

**I think I now need to say something personally. As for what the Professor said last review special, please don't take what he said at heart. Okay, I admit I was worried that I'd bore my reader with stuff irrelevant to the story, so I was really glad that someone, and I hope other people as well, enjoyed what I wrote. It's only in the Professor's character to find the Commentator's ranting about mistranslations to be best not heard. So please, do not take what these two say seriously. Their views do not necessarily reflect my own.**

Commentator: (Cough!)

**Quiet you. Now then, I think it's time you enter the satirical alternate world of Fullmetal Alchemist.**

Commentator: But we're in a middle of a party!

**Fine. Do it after you're done. Back to you two!**

Commentator: Thanks, Anonymius!

Moments later....Again

Commentator: (Sigh) Oh well. Duty calls. (Opens portal) Come Professor!

Professor: Why do you always drag me to these things!

Commentator: Because you're the Robin to my Batman. And Sammy?

Sammy: Yeah Boss?

Commentator: Take care.

(Commentator and Professor go through the portal. Sammy hops into it before it closes)

* * *

Random Lior City Dweller 1: Oh woe is us! Father Cornello said that the miracles he performs with the Philosopher's Stone would save us!

Random Lior City Dweller 2: You know, I don't think they really count as miracles if they're performed by the Philosopher's Stone.

Random Lior City Dweller 1: I've had it up to here with all your questioning-

BOOM

Random Lior City Dweller 1: Wah!

* * *

Lust: Oh my, look at all the death! So many people have died because of us!

Gluttony: Yeah. They're like our prawns. Or puppets. Heeheeheehee! Fight, puppets! Fight puppets! Aheeheeheehee!

Envy/Cornello: (Walks in) Mind if I join in? You know, instead of this old form-

(Drinks a potion, drops the bottle, falls to the ground as he clutches his throat. Later gets up in his common form)

Envy: I'd rather look as cute as this! (Takes out a mirror) Mirror, mirror, in my hand, who's the fairest in the land?

Mirror: You keep asking me that question, and I keep telling you, it's Lust!

Envy: Oh. Right. Hey Lust, fancy an apple?

Gluttony: Mmmmm, apple.

CHOMP

Envy: You idiot Gluttony! That apple was laced with arsenic!

Gluttony: Mmmmm, wallpapery (drools)

Envy: (Shakes wrist as hand regenerates) And you didn't have to take my whole hand as well!

Gluttony: Mmmmmmm, Ham. (Drools)

Envy: I said hand, not ham, AND WILL YOU PLEASE STOP SAYING 'MMMMMMMM' ALL THE TIME?

Gluttony: Sorry Envy. You know I can no more resist saying 'mmmmm' anymore than you can talk to that mirror or Lust saying 'gidigigoo'!

Envy: Well at least your catchphrase isn't annoying like some people.

Lust: Hey! At least I have a catchphrase!

Envy: Oh yes, you have a line that you constantly say instead of anything original. I am so envious!

Clay: I-i-IDIOT!

(Homunculi look at Clay)

Envy: Idiot? Who are you calling an idiot?

Lust: I think the dubbers mixed up the words 'baka' and 'obake' again!

Envy: Whatever. Sic him, Gluttony!

Gluttony: Mmmmmm, word mixed up character. (Drools)

* * *

Envy: Look at those humans below. All caught in their pathetic, pointless filler lives, while we Homunculi are up here living in canon luxury.

Lust: Yet I have a feeling that somewhere some mortal is about to re-enter the canon plot.

Envy: It won't last. Fullmetal Alchemist is the most original anime out there!

Gluttony: Aaaah, that was a good snack. And a messy one too. I'm covered in jam!

Lust: Er yes, jam.

Envy: You still haven't told him, have you?

Lust: Hey I don't wanna destroy his innocence!

* * *

Ed: I can't believe we finally made it to- whatever this town is called. Take in that canon air, Al! I feel like I haven't been in a manga based scene for years!

Al: Er, Brother? I know that manga fans tend to exaggerate the amount of filler in an anime, but the last canon story was only four episodes ago!

Ed: Yeah, but that was in a filler framework! This is the first canon story since 'Challenge to the Sun' that's set in the proper manga context!

Al: (Reading parchment) Actually Brother, I don't think this scene is even-

Ed: Yes-it-is!

* * *

Marcoh: Get back, or I'll shoot!

Ed: You know, I should be more concerned that this guy's got a gun pointed at my head, but honestly I'm just too happy to be in the first non-filler scene since Youswell Coal Mine to care!

Al: You know Brother, the 'Gravel Earth' story wasn't actually filler. It was based upon a light novel based on 'Full Metal Alchemist'.

Ed: Was the light novel canon?

Al: -Well, no I don't think so, but it was illus-

Ed: Then it means nothing to me. And it means nothing to you.

Al: Yes Brother.

* * *

Marcoh: I'm sorry. I do not have this Philosopher's Stone you speak of.

Ed: Wait! Watch as I make this part of the wall disappear for no reason!

Al: Brother, that was unreasonable!

Gran: DIABOLUS EX MACHINA!

Ed: Oh not you again! Are you just going to appear unexpectedly and be all antagonistic all the time?

Gran: It's in my character! I'll do what I must to obtain the Philosopher's Stone.

Ed: Wait, that's what that is? The Philosopher's Stone?

Gran: Er, yah, I thought you already knew that? Isn't that the reason you deconstructed the wall?

Ed: You know what, I'm not entirely sure what I was doing or why I was doing it!

* * *

Ed: Whoa, I'm having the eery feeling of déjà vu. And speaking of which, I'm going to chase after the van and jeopardise my future by attacking the military! Again.

(Colour fades)

Ed: Hey, what happened to all the colour?

(Scar jumps out from nowhere and lands on the engine of the van. Grans comes out)

Al: And where's that heavy metal music coming from? Catchy, though.

Scar: (Backwards) Basque Gran- Aren't you supposed to be dead at this point?

(**If you're wondering why it's not actually typed backward, it's because I tried that before and it was not a pleasant experience!**)

Gran: Yeah well I managed to extend my life by selling my soul to Bones. Not to mention I got this important antagonist role. And all it cost me was my goodness. Which of course would go if you sell your soul. Now then, di-

(Scar grabs his head)

Scar: (Backwards) Die anomaly! When you see those Devils at Bones, tell them Scar sent you.

(Fries Gran's brain)

Gran: NO! This is not what you promised Bones…. (Falls to the ground)

Scar: (Backwards) There. The canon plot has been restored.

(Colour returns and heavy metal music finishes)

Scar: Well, more restored than what it used to be.

Ed: How could that guy still talk after his brain got fried?

* * *

Ed: Who are you?

Scar: They call me Scar, and I hate all manga-based anime.

Ed: How come?

Scar: Adapting a manga into an anime, creating a degenerative form, is blasphemy against the creator.

Ed: Okay, I know that a lot of fans have this almost religious devotion towards manga, and that anything distorting the 'holy words' is blasphemy, but you're just taking the fanaticism way too far!

Scar: FOOL! You can never take fanaticism too far! That's what makes it fanaticism!

* * *

Scar: Now I shall kill you!

Ed: I'd like to see you- wait, what, Al? What are you doing?

Al: (Grabbing Ed and preparing to run away) Brother, if you've played 'Prince of Persia: Warrior Within' then you'd know that when you're being chased by an unstoppable guardian, then the best thing to do is to RUN! Unless of course you've got a water sword handy, that is.

* * *

Scar: Hah! Got you cornered!

Ed: Wait, why do you want to kill me? I'm canon! I'm the main character for crying out loud, you can't have Fullmetal Alchemist without the Fullmetal Alchemist!

Scar: Yes, but you have been altered by the anime. Having events that originally occurred in the present occurring in your past, being already short before you tried to bring back your mum, being actively heroic, and what's with you being so cheerful all the time? Edward Elric is supposed to be irritable!

Al: He's got a point, there.

Ed: AL!

Al: What, I'm pretty sure you were never this cheerful in the original manga.

Ed: Hey, it's not my fault! Shonen anime law requires from the hero a fixed number of smiles!

Scar: And by doing so, you took away what makes the 'Fullmetal Alchemist' manga superior to all other shonen manga: It's originality! But don't worry, Edward Elric. I shall send you back to Hiromu Arakawa, and end your tainted character.

Ed: Hey, you don't have to do that! I like being tainted! Being tainted is good!

BOOM

Scar: What?

Armstrong: HERE I AMMMMMM, TO SAVE THE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Run, Elric Brothers!

Ed: Okay, perfect stranger!

* * *

Marcoh: You shouldn't have rescued me.

Al: Where did he come from?

Ed: Nonsense! Here, I believe this is yours.

Marcoh: You know, I would have thought that since you've been searching for the Philosopher's Stone for so long, you would have used it already.

Ed: Yeah well, if I was to use it now, the series would end. Now let's get you to safety. Oh crap. I've just realised that we've just set the anime up for another filler episode!

Al: I'm sure they'll be plenty of canon moments!

Ed: There better be!

* * *

Armstrong: Isn't that alchemy you're using? I thought your religion forbids its use?

Scar: I will take down heathens, even if it means going against the fundamentals of my religion!

Armstrong: Oh yeah. That makes sen-

* * *

Random soldier: Hey, weren't we in a village just now?

* * *

Al: Can't we go to Mustang for help?

Ed: No, because we can't trust any of the military because of Gran.

Al: You mean the same Gran who got his brain fried by Sylar/Dahaka?

Ed: The very same!

* * *

Marcoh: He has a right to want revenge.

Ed: How come?

Marcoh: The Ishbalans are devout worshippers of the creator of the world and all in it, Hiromu Arakawa.

Ed: Hey, don't we all worship Hiromu Arakawa?

Marcoh: Like I said, The Ishbalans are DEVOUT worshippers of Arakawa. I mean when was the last time you went to Convention?

Ed: (Hesistant) Well…..I've been rather busy lately, so I haven't really had the time-

Marcoh: Yeah, yeah. Well anyway, Ishbalans used to be content to be part of Amestris. However, when it was announced that 'Fullmetal Alchemist' was going to be adaptated into an anime, that cause an uproar.

Ed: Why?

Marcoh: The Ishbalans are perhaps the most fanatical of manga fans. You know how nerds complain about filler, and some even complain about any kind of alteration? Well the Ishbalans go to the extreme of thinking that the manga is best left alone, because the anime adaptation will always find some way to distort the original material, creating a degenerative form that is blasphemous to the mangaka.

Ed: As strange as it sounds, I actually understand their thinking!

Marcoh: Conflict eventually erupted into a full-scale war. In the end, after ten years, the military sent in the national alchemists, using philosopher's Stones as weapons, and the nation was decimated within days.

Ed: Huh. So that's what really happened. We were taught that it wasn't such a clean end for the military and even the national alchemists got dragged into the grit. Plus I just assumed that one Philosopher's Stone was used.

* * *

Scar: There! Now I have you cornered! Again! And this time, you don't have Armstrong to save you! Oh dear. It was never my intent to actually kill you. I thought that I would be stopped by Armstrong. But since that scene's already been used up, I guess that you're doomed to die.

Ed: Wait! If I'm not supposed to die, then can't you let me go?

Scar: I'm sorry, but I must fulfil the purpose that Arakawa has given me.

Ed: Well instead of running away, I guess I'll stay here and get killed.

(Scar's tattoos glow)

Scar: What?

Marcoh: You know, a canon plot that's altered by the anime is a lot like the timeline in Lost that's altered when a character sees the future. (Scars spins around to look at Marcoh, whose stone is glowing) IT ALWAYS FINDS A WAY TO SET ITSELF RIGHT!

Scar: What? No! For some unexplained reason your Philosopher's Stone is attracted to my hand and gets absorbed by it!

Soldiers: Freeze, Scar!

Scar: Not a chance!

(Creates a hole in the ground and escapes through it)

Ed: Great. Now he's stronger than ever!

Marcoh: I'm sure it'll make no difference to future episodes.

* * *

Bradley: Ah, hello there, Dr Marcoh. This is my assistant, Douglas. She'll be escorting you to your room.

(At this point, the Elric Brothers' faces are conveniently looking away from Douglas, who yawns)

Marcoh: Didn't get enough sleep?

Douglas: Tell me about it. I only slept for sixteen hours last night. Well, come along then.

Al: Brother! I just heard Mom's voice! Only cranky and tired.

Ed: You were close to death, and heard the voice of your lost loved ones.

Al: What, five minutes after I was near death?

* * *

Bradley: I won't be staying long. Since Scar is somewhere in East City, it's best that I return to Central.

Mustang: East City? I thought all that happened in a small country village?

Bradley: The relationship between East City and Marco's village is alot like the relationship between Metropolis and Smallville. Sometimes they're separate settlements, sometimes the latter's a suburb of the former.

* * *

Al: Hey, how exactly did we get back to East Headquarters so easily?

Mustang: Apparently the town you were living in was just a suburb of East City on the outskirts.

Ed: What are you talking about, it was a completely different settlement, we had to walk there from East City!

Mustang: Apparently the town's like Smallville. So what will you do now?

Ed: Well I guess we've got to return home to get my arm repaired.

Mustang: Splendid! Since Scar is after you, you'll need an escort. Armstrong will gladly take up the job!

* * *

Marcoh: I rather like this room. It reminds me of the innards of my own home.

Door: KNOCK KNOCK

Marcoh: Now who could that be? (Opens the door)

Lust: SURPRISE! I just love thrusting my mighty lance into people's bodies, AGIDIGIGOO!

Marcoh: (Draws a transmutation circle with his blood) Let's see how you like having foreign pointed objects being thrust into your vulnerable body!

(Spike emerges that impales Lust)

Marcoh: There. How do you like that?

Lust: Particularly arousing, AGIDIGIGOO!

(Destroys the spike with her finger)

Lust: Yours might have been bigger, but mine was more effective, OO EE OO AHAH, TINGTANG WALLAWALLAWINGBANG, OO EE OO AHAH, TINGTANG AWALLABING BANG!

Marcoh: Hah. Kill me if you will, I'm not telling you anything! And you don't have an innocent girl to ransom with in order to make me talk!

Lust: That's true, but like you said earlier, the canon plot always finds a way to right itself. Hey Gluttony!

(Door opens and Gluttony is seen clutching a maid with her head in his mouth)

Gluttony: Mmmmmm, room service. (Drools)

Lust: We may not have a girl, but we do have this maid.

Marcoh: No! I can't let a perfect stranger die even though it looks like that food crazed glutton is going to bite her head off anyway! Okay I'll tell you where the research papers are.

* * *

Hughes: Oh by the way Edward, before you go, you remember when we recovered the body of a girl turned chimera by Shou Tucker three years ago?

Ed: What body? From what I can remember there wasn't even that!

Hughes: Well we have reason to believe that Scar was the one who killed her, him, it or whatever gender the chimera was.

Ed:... Hughes, you've just given me a reason to fight Scar. Alright, once we've had my arm fixed we're off to the first wing of the Central Library if anyone's interested!

Scar: (Behind a wall) Thank you for that information, Fullmetal.

Ed: Don't worry Nina. I SHALL AVENGE YOU!

Alexander's ghost: What about me? It wasn't just Nina who was killed you know! No one remembers Alexander! (Howls)

Al: Did anyone else just feel a dog moaning?

Ed: No.

* * *

Ed: Grrrr. That guy is so annoying! All he talks about are the numerous things that have been passed down through his family! He's as bad as that guy in Berserk Abridged! I think I'll go see my brother to cool off. Al, where are you? That's odd. (Looking at parchment) According to this Al should be here! And that I should have remained in my seat! Unless an alchemist doctor is spotted that is.

* * *

Ed: Colonel Armstrong! Al has vanished!

Armstrong: It seems that the writing staff felt that time was needed for the mangaka to have more issues published, so in order to fill the time they've put in a filler story that has no connection to the main plot.

Ed: (Jumping out of train) DAMN YOU, ANIME!

* * *

Al: Why have you kidnapped me?

Boy: I'm planning to go in a fight, and I'm pretty sure that you'll protect me from bullets!

Al: You do know that the reason armour fell out of use because it was no good against bullets, don't you?

Boy: Are you saying that you're no good in a gun fight?

Al: No I'm just saying that your assumptions that armour is useful in a gun fight are misp-

(Boy stops riding)

Boy: Wait. Armour can't speak. No inanimate object can!

Al: That never stopped Brother's Manga book.

* * *

Ed: Hmmmm. Maybe jumping out of a moving train wasn't such a good idea. I'm just glad that this humble family saved my life.

Boy: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! THE ARMOUR'S HAUNTED! SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (Runs into the house)

Girl: Grandpa! Onii-Chan came back!

Commentator: Well, so much for the fight. Usually I complain about any plots abruptly cut, but since it's filler-

Sammy: Hey Boss!

Commentator: What? Wait, I thought I'd left you behind?

Sammy: I thought you said that 'Onii-Chan' was a formal way of children greeting older children! Yet it seems like that boy was that girl's actual brother!

Commentator: Hmmmmmm. Maybe it's a term that only girls use to address older boys, and nii-san is a term that boys use to address older boys.

Professor: You don't actually know, do you?

Commentator: Shut up!

Ed: Hmmmm. Haunted armour? That sounds like my Brother! I'd better go check it out!

* * *

Armstrong: Edward-Kun! You should not have jumped out of a moving train like that!

Ed: Yeah yeah, I know. Fortunately I was saved by a family whose members didn't have any names and a boy who conveniently was the one who stole Al. Now let's head on our way to Risenbol!

TO BE CONTINUED...

* * *

(A portal opens in the Commentator's throne room, where the three commentators pass through)

Commentator: Well that installment ended rather abruptly. I'm beginning to think Anonymius is losing his touch. Huh? What's this on the throne? (Picks up the sheets of paper) '**I do not own the lyrics of 'Witchdoctor'. No copyright infringement is intended.' **(Realises what he has just done) Aw, crap. I've just been duped into disclaiming something really stupid. I'm not even going to read the other one.

Sammy: (Reading) '**The conversation between Ed and Al when threatened by Marcoh is inspired by the scene in Canadianjutsu's Naruto Shippuden abridged series where we first meet Pain.**'

Commentator: What the Hell, Sammy? And what was the point of that?

Professor: Sir you know that Anonimius likes to give credit to his influences, especially when he fears no one may know about their work! He's a former University student, he likes referencing!

Commentator: He didn't seem to have a problem basing that scene between Ed and Majhal on LittleKuriboh's work without telling anyone who inspired him! And like the review specials are an original idea!

Professor: Yes well practically we can't list every influence, can we? Plus I think he ran out of ideas how to reference Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series without ruining the story.


	2. Philosopher's Stone

**I do not own FMA or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Blast!

Professor: What is it, Sir?

Commentator: I've just received word that some dick on Youtube got most of Littlefolk's FMA videos taken down. Now he won't be showing any more! Terrific. He was our only source for English subbed FMA. Now Anonymius will have to buy the remaining episodes!

Professor: Oh no! People who go through all the trouble of creating this series and who put their effort in it and whose lively income depend upon their work will now be actually getting their money's worth for it, yes how unfair!

Commentator: Yes, yes, I know there's a reason for all this copyright stuff, but Japanese media is different!

Professor: -How so?

Commentator: Well, even though there are copyright laws in Japan, they're basically ignored, which means that people who put up their videos don't actually do anything wrong! It's like getting their permission to put up their videos!

Professor: (Considers this) I suppose...

Commentator: And besides, Anonymius lives in the U.K. I don't think Japanese DVDs are compatible with British DVD players!

Professor: Look, if people want to watch anime without the dub, I think there's a section on the DVD that allows you to watch it in Japanese! And if you don't understand Japanese, well you can put up the English subtitles! It's just like watching subs online except people will actually not have their money's worth robbed from them!

Commentator: Yeah, but the subtitles will most likely be a replica of the rubbish dub, instead of an authentic and faithful translation of the Japanese! Therefore I'd rather watch the subs on Youtube rather than looking at a transcript of the dub.

Professor: Well you know Sir, people who upload anything on Youtube that's not original are screwing the rules. Namely one rule, no unoriginal stuff.

Commentator: Yeah, but the rules also state that it's all right if you have their permission, and since Japanese creators do not enforce copyright laws, technically people who uploads their episodes have their permission.

Professor: That 'technically' word rather bothers me. It's rather like how you don't like the word 'interpretation'.

Commentator: IT'S NOTHING LIKE 'INTERPRETATION!'

Professor: Oh please. The 'technicality' of a rule. What is 'Implied'. Sounds alot like 'Interpretating' it in a different manner to me!

Commentator: Well, besides, those who report copyright violation and are not the creators are themselves abusing the website.

Professor: How so?

Commentator: Well, the report clearly states that the video has violated 'your' copyright. Therefore, the only people who have the right to report videos on copyright violation are those who actually OWN the copyright, not some self-righteous prick!

Professor: I suppose. Well you know, there are still English dubs online, Anonymius can still watch those. Anyway I don't understand why he hasn't watched them in the first place. I would have thought that for a satire it's easier to make fun of the most inferior version.

Commentator: Eh, Anonymius won't watch them.

Professor: Why? They're not THAT bad, are they?

Commentator: It's not that. It's just that he won't watch anything that will make him not want to buy the episodes, therefore depriving people of money.

Professor: But doesn't he do that anyway by watching the episodes even with the original language?

Commentator: Well like I said. Those who upload pure Japanese stuff are not seen as doing any harm.

Professor: Uhuh. But has he actually bought the DVDs?

Commentator: Well, no. Though he might do if he can't find any subs of the final ten episodes. Grrr. I'm so mad, I think I'll read a few reviews to cool me down. This one is from Kurisita1: 'dies* From laughter probably. thank you for making humor of me, that is my one true wish, and no that was not sarcasm. Aha well as much as I'd hate to spoil the 'original' commenter's dreams of being cloned'- Huh? 'I kinda had the idea for a commenter' (Commentator stares at the review) BEFORE I EVER EVEN READ THIS FIC'? No! NO! SAY IT'S NOT SOOOOOOOO! 'You know, cause without one it wouldn't really be a "commentary" on how horrible the Fruits Basket anime is...'

Professor: Well to be fair Sir, it's not like this whole 'overseeing being that makes comments on the thing being parodied' is a completely original concept. I mean that Order of the Phoenix parody had the creators behaving in a manner similar to us. And this was before Harry Potter Abridged with Commentary was started!

Commentator: But look at the names! Commentator. Commenter. Coincidence? I think not!

Professor: Oh yes, how original, there's no way a different person could come up with a character like a 'Commenter'. Anyway, it would explain how Kurisita1 went through the trouble of asking Anonymius' permission to use the talking manga idea, but not a Commentator-like being. You just like to believe that you're at the centre of the universe.

Commentator: I AM AT THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE! Did you know that there's someone on Wikipedia who uses the name that is very similar like 'Commentator'? After these fanfics have been published? Coincidence? I think not! You know what, I'm too distraught to read anymore.

Professor: Uh, okay. I guess I have to read the remaining part:

^^ but Professor you can't stop our mangas from meeting up! It would be such as is fate! Though currently my manga is very bitter from seeing how badly the anime differs from it so now might not be the best time _

Very funny story as usual XD

Wait, what? I was all for their union, it's the Commentator who was acting as the over-protective parent!

Sammy: Actually Professor, it wasn't clear whether you supported it or didn't.

Professor: Shut up, Sammy.

Fullmetal Alchemist Manga: Hey Furiba Manga! If you're feeling less angsty, I was wondering if you wanted to come to this Christmas Party Special. If Anonymius gets around to writing it, that is.

Commentator: (Raises head from huddled position) What Christmas Party Special?

Professor: Well, me, Sammy and the other minions have been organising a Christmas party. Interested?

Commentator: Eh, I don't know, Professor. I've never really been into the Christmas spirit. Besides, I don't eat any of the food.

Sammy: What, no turkey?

Commentator: No.

Sammy: Eggnog?

Commentator: No.

Sammy: Christmas cake?

Commentator: I don't eat anything that has bird in it. Or meat for that matter. I'm a vegetarian slash insectivore. So yeah, I'm not really a Christmas celebrater. Apart from that one time, years ago, when I was tricked into mending my old ways by my minions because I was going to make them work over the holidays. I'm looking at you, Professor!

Professor: Well you wouldn't let us have the day off. Oh, before I forget, I'm glad that Kurisita1 enjoyed Anonymius mentioning her. He's always worried that when he does that, he might offend someone.

Commentator: Which just goes to show that worrying too much about offending people does no good. Now then, our other review is from Jemii-Chan 1989: 'funny but needs more jokes like the first installment. nice smallville joke and you should reference harry potter more! i love the commentator and the professor!'

Professor: Wait, what was that last part?

Commentator: Err, she said 'I love the Commentator.' Full-stop. Period. Nothing came afterwards.

Sammy: Hey, maybe for the next installment, we should try to put in as many jokes as the first one! Oo, and throw in loads of Harry Potter references!

Commentator: ...Sammy, if the recent experiment from 'Heroes' has taught us anything, it's that when people try to consciously make the third installment as good as the first, it goes horribly wrong, instantly backfires and you end up with something worse than anything that came before it! No, we're best just continuing with whatever Anonymius has in plan. However Jemii-Chan 1989 there will another Harry Potter reference in store this episode. And possibly another one just for you if Anonymius can remember it. Okay, we'll appease the readers a little. Now then, with all that madness out of the way, here's the second installment of the second Fullmetal Alchemist trilogy!

Professor: We're doing another trilogy?

Commentator: Yes. Now then, here's Fullmetal Alchemist, Episode 5, 'Philosopher's Stone'.

* * *

Scar: Now then, the Fullmetal Alchemist has to be around here somewhere.

Lust: Now then, those research papers should be around here somewhere.

(Scar and Lust meet)

Scar: Gasp! It's you!

Lust: Have we met?

Scar: My brother brought you back from the dead!

Lust: -Little Nameless Brother? Is that really you? Wow, you've gotten big since the last time I saw you! Very muscley. (Fingers lengthen) Oh sorry. They tend to lengthen without my control, AGIDIGIGOO!

Scar: Hiromu, I've forgotten you use to say that annoying catchphrase of yours!

Lust: Hey now! Should a fundamentalist like you take the Lady's name in vain so easily?

Scar: I freely use alchemy despite it going against my religion, but that never stops me from killing heathens!

Commentator: You know, despite all the flaws of the anime, I kinda like the whole 'Homunculus is the failed experiment of trying to bring someone back from the dead' rather than just being created by the Homunculus Father.

Scar: …Did you just say the anime was better than the manga? BLASPHEMY!

Commentator: Ohhh-

(Library explodes)

* * *

Ed: I can't believe it's been four years since we've been in Risenbol.

Al: Yeah. Wait, we haven't laid foot in our home town for four whole years? If we haven't seen winry to upgrade your arm and leg during all that time, then how have you got around with one leg and arm shorter than the other? Unless of course you haven't grown at all-

Ed: OF COURSE I'VE GROWN! I've- you know, somehow got by with limbs meant for an eleven year old without anyone knowing!

Al: And what, it never occurred to you to see Winry ONCE about upgrading your automail?

Ed: No, apparently.

Al: Arakawa, are all adaptations of any kind always so blatantly stupid?

Commentator: I think the manga otaku and Ishbalans would both equally and instantly say 'yes'.

* * *

Al: It's nice to be home, isn't it Brother?

Ed: It sure is. Al, I'm going to ask you out of the blue what's clearly an important question.

Al: Yeah?

Ed: And now I'm just going to change my mind, which will lead to future complications.

Al: Brother, you can't just pour out your soul like that and then take everything back and expect me to forget it! Why, it may lead me in the future to misinterpret what you were going to say, cause me to question my existence and run off, and then you'll have to endure ANOTHER filler episode! How do you feel about that? Huh?

Armstrong: BROTHERS! Look at the sky out there!

Ed: That was kinda sudden.

Armstrong: I know, I think it's the moon. You know what they say about the moon inducing madness, don't you? MAAAAADNESS!

* * *

Mustang: Welcome back, Fullmetal! These are Lt. Maria Ross and Sergeant Brosh. They'll be your bodyguards.

Ross: This child is the Fullmetal Alchemist?

Ed: I'M FIFTEEN YEARS OLD!

Ross: You're pretty small for a fifteen year-old. What, did the hormones that were supposed to go into your body go into your voice instead at an early age?

* * *

Ed: No! The west wing of the Library has been burnt down! Our only hope to restore our bodies has come to naught!

Commentator: Now now, I'm sure that whatever happened or whoever was responsible didn't mean for the Library to burn down.

* * *

Commentator: FRYING TONIGHT!

Scar: -Why aren't you dead?

Commentator: I'm immortal.

Gluttony: Mmmm, fanaticist. (Drools) (Scar attacks him) Hey! Gingerbread men aren't supposed to fight back! They're supposed to just lie on the table and get eaten! Now fear my swinging fists of doom!

* * *

(Scar falls off a balcony. Lust and Gluttony jump after him)

Gluttony: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Lust: GIDIGIGIDIGIGIDIGIGIDIGI.

Commentator: Don't worry Scar! I'll save you!

(Shoots a ball of lightning, which misses and ignites some oil that was spilt earlier)

Library: BOOM.

* * *

Commentator: Well on the upside I kinda like how Scar's battle with the Homunculi and the library being destroyed are connected rather than being separate events as they are in the original manga.

* * *

Scar: (Wakes up) I'LL KILL YOU! Hmm. For some reason I thought I heard that troublesome demon utter more of his blasphemy. Where am I?

Boy: You're among Ishbalans who escaped the massacre at Ishbal.

Scar: Yes, these are no doubt my people. (Gazes at the people reading the 'Fullmetal Alchemist' manga)

* * *

Ed: Hey there. I hear that you work at the Central Library?

Seska: Used to. I was fired because I read too much. All I can do is read, it's pretty much a useless skill.

Al: How in any way is reading a useless skill?

Ed: Did you happen to come across any research by a Dr. Marcoh?

Seska: Oh yes! I can remember it word for word!

Ed: Ah right. WAIT, WHAT? Can you write it all down?

Seska: Oh yeah!

* * *

Ross: 'How To Serve A Million Humans'? This isn't alchemy! It's a cook book!

Ed: No it isn't, it's in code. All we need to do is crack it.

24 HOURS LATER

Ed: No! How could this be? Philosopher's Stone- IS PEOPLE!

Al: Well when you think about it, it does kinda make alchemical sense. According to the rules of equivalent exchange, the most powerful alchemical object in the world would undoubtedly require the highest price imaginable, and what could be more precious than humans lives, and what's more millions and even billions of lives! I mean were we really expecting the Philosopher's Stone to be made from some odd plant from something? Seriously, the most powerful alchemical object in the world is made from some obscure plant?

Ed: Not helping, little brother.

Al: I'm just saying, that's all!

* * *

Ed: I can't believe what I'm reading! People is the key ingredient in Philosopher's Stone!

Al: Brother, it's the ONLY ingredient in Philosopher's Stone.

Ed: Once again, not helping little brother.

Al: I'm only saying!

* * *

Ross: I'm sorry Sir, but you can't come in. The Elric brothers are too tired to see anyone.

Armstrong: But what could they be tired about? Hmmm. Well they are probably tired, so I'll come back later.

Brosh: Huh. That was kinda sudden.

Ross: A second longer and I think we would've cracked!

* * *

Ed: I guess God really hates those who break his taboos, don't you think?

Al: Brother, I understand that you're really depressed at this moment but could you please decide if you're an atheist or not? It gets really confusing at times!

Sammy: Hey Boss!

Commentator: Hmm?

Sammy: I've just noticed something! Whenever people talk about God in this series, they always use the word 'Kami-O', but whenever Ed talks about God, he always uses the word 'Kamisama'. Is that relevant in any way?

Commentator: I'm glad you asked, Sam. It seems that when people use the term 'Kami-O' or 'Supreme Spirit' to refer to God, it's like a term of respect or devotion, whereas 'Kamisama' is just a general term for 'god'.

Professor: But isn't any word with the suffix 'sama' a form of respect?

Commentator: Usually, yes, but I guess it's also become a general word for 'god'.

Professor: Uhuh. So using 'Kami-O' shows people's devotion to God, whereas 'Kamisama' shows no devotion at all? Sir, you do know that you've told us nothing new about Ed's character, don't you?

Commentator: Hey, shut up! People like it when I discuss Japanese!

Professor: One person. ONE person likes it when you discuss Japanese!

Commentator: And we shouldn't stay in touch with every single reader, is that what you're saying?

* * *

Al: Brother, we may have overlooked something! Let's read through it again!

Ed: Al, you did see what was clearly obvious from the encryption, right?

Al: Yeah, but that doesn't necessarily rule out that it doesn't necessarily mean that!

* * *

Ross: You shouldn't give up on the Philosopher's Stone just because you found out that it requires the murder of numerous lives!

Ed: Lietenant Ross, even though you're not an alchemist, I'm going to take your advice and continue vainly searching for the Philosopher's Stone even though I know it's people.

* * *

Al: Maybe there's another way to make the Philosopher's Stone!

Manga: Oh yes, there are plenty of ways of making the Philosopher's Stone! Like using trillion of lower animal lives, preferably primates! Or maybe using the entire world's plant life, that will definitely work. And I'm sure the military has been making stones like these since they're much harder to create than using human lives that come to them in the form of prisoners of wars or deathrow prisoners!

Ed: What's your problem?

Manga: THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO MAKE A PHILOSOPHER'S STONE! That's it; it's made from people, end of story! Why are you two still searching for the stone? Shouldn't you two have given up by now and now be motivated to discovering the 'truth behind the truth?'

Ed: 'The truth behind the truth?' Wait, there's something more to this! Let's go trying to find it!

Manga: (Groan).

* * *

Envy: I'll be (Drinks a potion, collapses and comes back as Ed and transmutes metal arm) looking forward to fighting that Fullmetal shrimp!

Gluttony: When did you get a hair from Edward Elric to make that pollyjuice potion?

* * *

Ed: Okay then, I've infiltrated the supposedly shut down laboratory that's right next to the prison, the best place to make Philosopher Stones with Deathrow inmates, and have left Al to guard outside.

Manga: Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness, you know.

Ed: Quiet yo- hey, this isn't right! (Reading the manga) According to this, a huge transmutation circle should be right here! This doesn't make any sense!

No. 48: None shall pass.

Ed: Hey, where's the transmutation circle that creates the Philosopher's Stones?

No. 48: Beat me in a duel and I'll tell you.

* * *

No. 66: My name is-get ready for this shocking twist… DUM DUM DUM! BARRY THE CHOPPER!

Al: Who?

Barry: Y-you know! Infamous serial killer who liked chopping people up and got caught years ago and was apparently hanged?

Al: Oh, sorry. I grew up outside the city, I know nothing of the past goings-on in Central.

Barry: YOU AND YOUR BROTHER WERE THE ONES WHO CAUGHT ME!

Al: Eh? Sorry, have we met!

Barry: Y-Yes! I captured your friend, your brother hunted me down and I got caught, remember?

Al: Oh, sorry. I don't have a good memory for one-off villains.

Barry: I'M NOT A ONE-OFF VILLAIN! I am an reoccurring character in the series! Anyway, I have come back from the depths of Hell to take my vengeance-

Al: No you're not. Your soul's just been transmuted with that suit of armour.

Barry: Wh-WHAT? How do you know that?

Al: Cos I'm one too. My brother transmuted my soul.

Barry: Oh. Brother. Heh heh. That's amusing.

Al: What is?

Barry: Well, the thing about us suits of armour...

* * *

Al: Gasp! Are you trying to tell me that Brother never actually brought back his little brother so in order to compensate for the loss he created a fake soul to put in this armour and poured all the memories and personality of his brother to make me think I'm the real Alphonse?

Barry: Nah, that's too plausible! I'm saying that Alphonse Elric never existed in the first place and everyone you know has been tricking you! Let me ask you this: How could he have used his special alchemy to bind your soul if he only found out about it three episodes later?

Al: -Wait. You're trying to tell me that not only is there this big conspiracy among the people I know that I've only exist for four years and that all the photos of me are fake, that people go through all this trouble about remembering stuff about me that never happened, and that Brother decided to sacrifice his own right arm that he's been desperately trying to restore after so many years, right after losing his leg, just to create an artificial brother, and go through all this trouble to restore a body to someone who never had an organic body in the first place?

Barry: I'm insane. What do you expect?

Al: Oh no I believe you! Although to be more precise, I am conflicted over the idea and am in denial, but deep down I believe and am shocked that Brother and I aren't really related. Although that's not really the case. I mean the fact that he created me means that I'm really like a son to him so I shouldn't freak out that there are no bonds between us-

(Scar jumps over the wall)

* * *

Manga: (Shudder). My cannon senses are tingling. It's as if some anomaly has appeared in the plot somewhere and threatens to upset the entire canonicity in the story!

Ed: Right! I beat both of you, fair and square! Now tell me what happened to the transmutation circle!

Slicer: Very well. It was moved under new management.

Manga: NEW MANAGEMENT? WHAT NEW MANAGEMENT?

Slicer: I do not know. However, I can guide you to where the circle currently is.

* * *

Commentator: Who is this mysterious new management? Will Al except Barry the Chopper's ludicrous theory faster than Sylar did that Angela Petrelli was his mother? And what impact will Scar's non-canon appearance have on the plot? Find out this and more, next time on 'Fullmetal Alchemist Abridged (With Commentary)!'


	3. A Christmas Message

**I do not own FMA or anything related.**

* * *

Professor: Hello everyone! I'm just letting you all know that the Christmas Party Special is being hosted on our Naruto Abridged (With Commentary) series, and all the Fullmetal characters are invited! Why we couldn't have included this message in the next FMA instalment, well work is still being done on that episode, and we really needed this to get out of the way as soon as possible! Oh yes if any of you will be confused reading the special, it takes place after our third episode. We originally intended to post it before the Naruto chapter, but things did not work out as we intended.

Lawyer: Young- whatever you are-, I have issues with this chapter!

Professor: -What's wrong with it?

Lawyer: For a fanfic you haven't included anything worth disclaiming!

Commentator: Fine, then! We have Ed here! Ed, say hello to the nice Lawyer!

Ed: Errrrr-

Lawyer: Good enough for me, I'll leave you alone.

(Poof!)

Professor: Now the title of the series is 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentary): The Zabuza Saga.

Commentator: Go there!


	4. Mae Hughes: Soldier Within

Commentator: Ahhh. That was a good Christmas Party Special, wasn't it, Professor?

Professor: It certainly was!

Commentator: You know, Naruto's comparison with Christmas to a birthday party, which Christmas is essentially, got me thinking. All these attempts to secularise Christmas, it's like banning the birthday boy from his own party!

Professor: Sir, it's only done because people worry about offending others.

Commentator: No, telling people that their beliefs are worthless is offensive, expressing your own personal beliefs, how is that offensive?

Professor: Because it's making the assumption that Christmas is a Christian holiday.

Commentator: CHRISTMAS IS A CHRISTIAN HOLIDAY!

Professor: Well actually-

Commentator: Oh sure, maybe a few pagan customs got assimilated into the holiday, but Christmas remains to be about the birth of the Christian founder, NOT Sol Invictus, the opening of the temple of Saturn or whatever pagan Anglo Saxons celebrated Winter Solstice for! I mean why stop there? Why not ban public Hanukkah decorations or make it illegal for Hindus to light Fireworks for Diwali? Hey, I know! Why don't we tear down all the churches, synagogues, mosques and temples and make people worship in bland office buildings! We certainly don't want someone walking down the road, spotting a place of worship that's not of their religion and saying 'Gasp! That building is offensive to my own personal beliefs!' After all, Atheism and Secularism are the true faiths!

Professor: SIR!

Commentator: Does anyone actually complain about the Christian decorations? If you ask me, I think the people who do the most complaining are not the offended but the people who worry about offending the offended, and go too far. Either that or it's Atheists and Secularists imposing their own beliefs by suppressing all religious activity, and where's the freedom of religion in that, huh? Huh? Now that I'm done ranting, let's respond to some of our reviews:

cool, nice chapter! loved the polyjuice reference! never imagined my reviw  
would be in this chapter either. keep up the good work!

Jeimii-chan1989

Well we do try to respond to all of the reviews sent to us. It's kinda like a cross between Fanfic writers generally responding to reviews and the comment specials you find in video abridged series.

Professor: Our second review is from SakuraSagura:

Yay! Translation commentary! but I have to agree with Professor, it seems  
like the more respectful term would have -sama at the end. Does the -O have  
any meaning like -san or -sama do?

Happy to see the second season commentary up. I especially like the reason  
why the Ishbal rebellion happened and the interaction between Al and Barry,  
lol. Oh, and that Christmas special thing sounds fun.

Update soon,  
SakuraSagura

Hooray! Someone agrees with me!

Commentator: Grrrr. It seems that I have to explain this in a bit more depth. Okay, let's start off with the basics. Contrary to popular belief, Kami does NOT literally mean 'god'. A better translation is 'spirit'. According to a book on Japan, the word 'kamisama' refers to the gods of the main Shinto pantheon. Now Anonymius has discovered the meaning behind this. Since 'sama' denotes someone of high status, the 'kamisama' are essentially the 'high kami' or 'spirits', another word for 'high spirit' being a 'god'.

Now let's look at 'O'. From what Anonymius has gathered from looking at names with 'O' in it, a common word in the translation is 'prince' or 'great'. In other words, the 'Kami O' is the 'great', 'kingly' or 'supreme Kami' or 'Supreme Spirit', equivalent to the English 'God'.

Now this is where it gets tricky. What you've got to remember is that 'Kami O' is less of a name for a specific being like 'God', and more like a title followers give to their specific deity whom they consider the supreme god. Unlike the West, which is a monotheistic culture with a centralised religion, Japan is a polytheistic culture whose Shinto religion is more like a label given to all the collection of traditional beliefs, which in no way has a single priesthood or doctrine, and most likely has a number of independent cults, but are more henotheistic than monotheistic.

Sammy: Gasp! The fundamentalists are right! The Japanese really are devils!

Commentator: NOT HEDOISTIC, HENOTHEISTIC! You know, the belief that accepts the existence of many gods, but focuses on the worship of one. So whereas most Japanese will accept the existence of many gods, they will however accept one as supreme or the 'Kami O', but they may differ which deity is the 'Kami O'. It's rather like how in Hinduism many Hindus may accept the existence of many gods (or Devas), but only one as the supreme deity or 'Mahadeva', and people will differ whether it's Shiva, Vishnu or Devi, although in the latter's case it would be 'Mahadevi'.

Sammy: Hey Boss! In the Shinto pantheon, Amaterasu is Queen of the gods, aka the supreme deity. Does that essentially make her God among Shintoists?

Commentator: (Considers this) I suppose it does! But remember, Sammy, Japan does not have a single priesthood who enforce a specific set of beliefs- although State Shinto probably did. And even though traditionally Amaterasu is Queen of the gods, and is the most widely venerated spirit among Shintoists, there are likely to be local Shinto cults who favour a different deity to be the supreme deity or 'Kami O'. Now if you don't believe me, re-watch Full Metal Alchemist. Those who refer to God as 'Kami O' (Cornello, Majhal, Scar, etc) are those who are devoted and show reverence to God, at least officially, whereas Ed, who uses the term 'Kamisama', is an atheist who shows no interest in religion. Now that we've got that out of the way, let's show the final episode in the Full Metal Alchemist trilogy. Don't worry, folks, Season Three is on its way. Probably in a fortnight. Look out for it!

* * *

Hawkeye: Sir, it seems that Scar attacked the hotel that the Elric brothers were staying in.

Mustang: That never happened in the original manga. And I should know. I OWNED the original manga! But I would have thought that a manga fanatic like Scar would avoid being in any filler scenes, what's he playing at?

* * *

Boy: Won't you stay, Mister?

Scar: I'm afraid I can't. I am an outcast of God, making me no longer bound to the followings of the manga.

* * *

Mustang: I mean he goes from super otaku to completely ignoring the manga like the rest of us? I dread to think what effect his filler fixation on Edward is having on the canon plotline.

Barry: Oh, hello there. I see you have interesting tattoos. Now I'm going to completely give up on my task for no adequately explained reason and make you follow me through this secret passage!

* * *

Al: We are looking for the Philosopher's Stone!

Scar: You shouldn't. The Philosopher's Stone is created from human lives.

Al: Oh we know.

Scar: You-wait, you know? Aren't you and your brother supposed to be the good guys?

Al: Yeah.

Scar: Then why are you looking for an artefact that is created from human lives?

Al: We believe that there is an alternative method to creating the Philosopher's Stone.

Scar: I see, and have you been given any indication that there is an alternative method that can create the most precious object in alchemy?

Al: Well, no….

Scar: The Philosopher's Stone will only bring you misery.

Al: You know, I heard that Ishbal was destroyed because it tried to create the Philosopher's Stone.

Scar: Oh yes. The people who detest alchemy achieved the most important goal for alchemists, that makes perfect sense!

Al: Wait, the Ishbalans dislike alchemy?

Scar: Er, yeah. Hasn't that been mentioned a number of times already?

Al: Er, no. The only taboo I've heard of is against adaptations of manga.

Scar: The Ishbalans don't like anything that distorts something's original form. That's why we also dislike alchemy, because distorting a natural object into something else is blasphemous.

Al: But, aren't your clothes, buildings and artefacts man-made creations made by changing the natural shape of something? Does your religion have a problem against all man-made things?

(Scar stops in his tracks)

Scar: Shut up.

Al: It sounds to me like you're just trying to justify the apparent incompatibility between science and religion by calling alchemy the work of the Devil.

Scar: Grrrr. How about I change this topic by telling you about my brother?

Al: Well actually-

FLASH

Scar: _My brother was very misguided. However, I didn't realise he how misguided until I found out what he was doing._

Al: _Hey, what happened to all the colour? And why is everything so still?_

Scar: _This was before the anime was produced._

Al: _Oh._

Scar: Brother, what are you doing?

Brother: Oh hey there little brother whose name I've conveniently missed. Heh heh, I love irony jokes!

Scar: Who are these people?

Brother: Oh, these are my associates from Bones. We've got together to start producing scripts for the upcoming Fullmetal Alchemist anime.

Scar: You're- YOU'RE HELPING BONES WRITE EPISODES? Brother, defending the production of the adaptation was one thing, but actually participating in it?

Writer Alpha: We were just deciding on how to start the series before you walked in, nameless brother.

Writer Beta: I suggested that we insert five minutes of original material before the manga story actually begins.

Writer Gamma: And we'll have Father Cornello blatantly revealing he's been using the Philosopher's Stone in front of Rose!

Writer Delta: Won't that be kinda retarded of him?

Brother: Hmm, you've got a point. Tell you what; we'll have Rose just completely ignore what Father Cornello says! That'll definitely fix the situation!

Scar: Brother, please stop what you are doing! Adaptating a manga into an anime, creating a degenerative form-

Brother: Is blasphemy against Hiromu Arakawa, right? I'm not trying to go against Hiromu Arakawa! I'm trying to help our manga move forward, and the only way it can do that is to have an anime adaptation like the other popular manga series.

Scar: And you're helping to move the manga forward by completely rewriting aspects of the series?

Brother: Just a few bits and bobs! Don't worry, little brother. Me being part of the team will ensure that we remain faithful to the manga as closely as possible. (To the writing staff) So I was thinking about rerouting several of the first manga chapters into an eight-episode flashback arc.

Writer Epsilon: An eight-episode flashback? I like it!

Writer Delta: And I was thinking that we should re-invent the Homunculi's origins.

Writer Epsilon: That I also like!

Writer Zeta: You know I'm a bit worried that Edward Elric's character may put of shonen fans. Let's make him more of a stereotypical shonen hero!

Writer Eta: Here here!

Door: SLAM!

Brother: Hey! Don't be like that, little brother! Don't you know that Arakawa supports the creation of the anime? She's even given her insight of the Fullmetal Alchemist world to us!

Scar: _Idiotic characters? An eight episode long flashback? Generic shonen heroes? Re-invention of the antagonists? Just when I thought my Brother's blasphemy couldn't go any further, he didn't just wrote filler. He participated in it!_

Al: _Hey, I see we've returned to the anime!_

Scar: _Yes. Don't remind me._

Young Scar: Brother! Please! Stop participating in filler scenes! It is blasphemy against Hiromu Arakawa!

Brother: (Comes out looking traumatised) Maybe there's a reason why Arakawa forbids them.

Young Scar: Brother, what's wrong?

Brother: I tried to bring her back. But she came out- wrong!

Young Scar: Wrong? What do you mean?

(Lust zooms out of the house and hugs Brother)

Lust: Hey there, handsome! What do you say we go upstairs in the bedroom and do all sort of naughty stuff? If not, I'm sure there are other guys who would be willing, AGIDIGIGOO!

(Runs away)

Young Scar: Oh. Right. Well maybe you need to put her back in, she may not be done yet!

Scar: _My brother tried to use the power of filler in order to bring his dead love back. It's probably why he got so involved. Unfortunately she came back highly promiscuous and irritating. Although for some reason she was one of the most popular people in the village._

* * *

Scar: Gasp! It's you again!

Al: Who?

Scar: My brother's former lover who came back from the dead all wrong. She is one of the Homunculus!

Al: -Don't you mean 'Homunculi'?

Gluttony: No, he means 'Homunculus'.

Al: I'm pretty sure that Latin words ending in 'us' become 'i' in plural-

Lust: Hey, shut up! In Japan the singular and plural words are one and the same, it would confuse our Japanese audience if the ending of a word suddenly changed!

Al: It often confuses the western audience as well how in Japanese plural and singular aren't differentiated.

Lust: Well that's their fault for not understanding, not ours!

* * *

Lust: I am the envy of every man in the world! Whereas they can only use one, I can use over five, GIDIGIGIDIGIDIGIDI-!

Scar: I think I speak for all when I say SHUT THE HELL UP!

Commentator: Sadly I don't think you do.

Scar: Who could even like that noise?

Gluttony: Hey! We have unfinished business, life-sized gingerbread man!

* * *

Lust: (To Al) Hah! I've pinned you to the wall, GIDIGIGOO!

Who else but Lust?

_It's Luuust! Luuuust!_

Lust: Gidigidigigdigoo!

Dinner Guest: I do hope nothing will happen that will spoil this fancy party.

(Lust comes in, jumps on the table, takes off her clothes and starts dancing)

Lust: Gididigigidigigidigi! Man, you Brits are no fun!

Who else but Lust?

_It's Luuuust! Luuuuust!_

Lust: gidigdigidgoo!

* * *

Ed: Shou Tucker? Aren't you supposed to be dead?

Shou Tucker: I was able to change my fate and cheat death.

(Colour fades)

Ed: Oh don't tell me Scar's back!

Shou Tucker: Oh crap, it's happening again!

(Dahaka jumps into the scene)

Shou Tucker: Hold on. I'll be right back.

(Runs away. Dahaka follows him)

(Shou Tucker grabs a rope)

Shou Tucker: Damn this rope! No, you stupid controls, I wanted to jump left not diagonal left.

Dahaka: (Backwards) You know, I should just capture him now, but since I'm such a nice guy I'll give him a head start!

(Shou Tucker walks back into the scene)

Shou Tucker: There. Now where were we?

Ed: That scene was as pointless and episode filling as all those fights between Peter Griffin and the Giant Chicken.

Slicer: Hey, I like those sequences!

Ed: Doesn't the blood rush to your head with you like that?

Shou Tucker: I try to keep my head up as much as possible.

* * *

Manga: It's- IT'S HORRIBLE!

Ed: I know!

Manga: Not that! This isn't the transmutation circle at all! And what's it doing in such a hi-tech room? It's so original and inferior and AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

* * *

Shou Tucker: With the power of alchemy, I shall revive my daughter!

Ed: You're as deluded as a filler character I defeated long ago, just because the person looks like the exact same person doesn't mean they are that person ressurected!

Shou Tucker: I have all the blood rushing to my head, do you really expect me to think clearly?

Ed: Fair point, but what are people in other fiction who believe that cloning resurrects a person's excuse? Anyway, why were you transmuted in such a fashion?

Gran: It seemed amusing at the time.

Ed: Gran? Wait, you're not Gran!

Gran: Well spotted. (Drinks potion, drops it, clutches throat and falls to the ground. Comes back up as Envy)

Envy: You will call me Envy. Envy as in Envious.

Ed: Envious of what?

Envy: Oh, everything. Looks, charms, brains; the whole package!

* * *

Lust: You will make the stone for us!

Ed: And wait, you'd think I, the hero who will not take a life, will do what you ask?

Lust: If you don't, I'll thrust my lance through your brother's most vulnerable part of his body like this (Kills Slicer) AGIDIGI-

Envy: Okay Lust, me and the other Homunculi have been talking about it, and we've had it up to here with your penis jokes.

Lust: -What penis jokes?

Ed: NO WAIT DON'T! All right I'll do as you ask.

Al: Brother no! Don't transmute them, brother! I don't want to be brought back like that! I'd rather stay like this!

(Ed struggles over whether to kill the prisoners or not)

Manga fans: This is too much! (Faint)

Commentator: Ah, I don't think manga fans are used to watching manga-based anime without knowing what will happen in the main plot.

Ed: I can't do it.

BOOM

Scar: HERE I AM, TO SAVE THE DAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

(Spilt Philosopher's Stone floods the room, causing Ed's alchemy powers to be amplified)

Lust: NO! How can this be happening? His lance is bigger and more effective than mine! I feel so decastrated! Oh life is not worth-

Envy: LUST, WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT THE PENIS JOKES?

Lust: And I said 'what penis jokes?'

* * *

Brosh: Oh no! The Fullmetal Alchemist is overloading!

Ross: Don't worry! (Runs to Ed) I'll save him with the power of love!

Armstrong: Erm, ew, Ross. He's fifteen, that's like paedophilia.

Brosh: Actually Sir, heterosexual sex is legal in Germany for fourteen year olds and above. Of course it's illegal if the person's over twenty-one and takes advantage of a fourteen to fifteen year old's lack of capacity for sexual self-determination, but then again Amestris is more like Nineteenth Century Germany so there's probably no equivalent of that law-

Armstrong: Oh shut up!

(Ross hugs Ed)

Ed: Mother?

Armstrong: Oh, you meant maternal love!

Ross: Um, yes. Maternal love.

* * *

Manga: Ahhhhhhh. I'm bathing in canon luxury. Shudder, for a moment I thought we permanently left the manga altogether for an inferior filler continuation. Why do I feel like I just kicked myself if I had legs?

* * *

Hughes: It's my little girl's birthday today!

Mustang: Hughes, I don't give a damn about- wait, didn't she already have a birthday?

Hughes: Every day's her birthday when her daddy's home!

(Mustang slams the phone)

* * *

Winry: Hey there, Ed! Al!

Ed: Winry? What are you doing here?

Winry: Well, I'm fed up of being underused by that bastard Anonymius so I thought I'd come over and get more involved in the plot!

Hughes: Hello Ed and Al, just thought I'd come by and- Oo. What's this? An unfamiliar face? Have you got anything to do in the meantime?

Winry: Well-no, (ignoring Ed and Al shaking their heads) not really-

Hughes: (Grabs her by the back of her vest) SPLENDID! I'll take you to my home and introduce you to my family! I just love adopting total strangers!

Brosh: Isn't he ever worried that bringing children he just met to his home will give people the wrong idea?

Ross: Too late, it already has.

* * *

Hughes: You know it happens to be my daughter's fourth Birthday today!

Winry: Wait; isn't she supposed to be three in the manga?

Hughes: She's already had her third birthday.

Winry: Oh. Right. Hey, that just reminded me! It's Ed's Birthday as well, I have to get him a present! See audience? We do care about continuity!

* * *

(Elisa is blowing out clearly four candles)

Commentator: Huh. I guess she is four after all.

Sammy: But she only turned three like fifteen episodes ago! Exactly how much time has passed between that arena-styled duel episode and today's?

Commentator: Well, let's go back to that particular episode. Okay slight problem. There doesn't seem to be any subs of Episode Thirteen. Come on, Littlefolk. You're our only hope. What the? Nothing's come up! Except this one video. Which has been taken down due to Funimation claiming copyright. HOW COULD THEY HAVE CLAIMED COPYRIGHT? IT WAS THE SUB, NOT THE DUB!

Professor: Well maybe they feel that as those with sole rights to distribute Fullmetal Alchemist in the United States LittleFolk was infringing their copyright.

Commentator: YOUTUBE ISN'T IN THE UNITED STATES! It's not under the jurisdiction of any country! Grr, how could Youtube have let this happen?

Professor: What is it that Eric Eago always says is the reason when people do things that defy logic?

Commentator: That they're either stupid, driven by an irrational desire, or they have a hidden agenda. Well the theory that they're stupid could work, but then again I find it hard to believe that the work of IT is administered by dumdums.

Professor: It could be that they're driven by the fear of upsetting a powerful national corporation, that's very likely.

Sammy: Or it could be that Youtube are in league with Funimation, who don't want viewers gaining free, quality entertainment, so in return for taking down episodes of their show they gain some of the money Funimation makes!

Commentator: Yeah I think reason Number Two's the most likely. Okay, I think I remember Hughes telling everyone that his daughter turned three last spring, which means that in order for her fourth to come so quickly, episodes 14-25 had to have taken place in a matter of a month.

* * *

Winry: Hey Ed! I got you a present. Happy Birthday!

Ed: Er. Right. Thanks. (Why does Winry think it's my Birthday?)

Winry: What's the matter?

Ed: My brother hates me. I think it's because I had the chance to restore him to his original body, but I couldn't do it.

Commentator: Wait. YOU THINK THAT'S THE REASON WHY HE WON'T TALK TO YOU?

Ed: Er, yah. What else could be the reason?

Commentator: Er, hello? Didn't you here him shout, 'No, Brother! Don't do it Brother! I don't want to be restored like this, Brother! I'd rather die Brother!'

Ed: Please. I'd remember something like that.

* * *

Ed: I'm sorry I didn't restore you Al. We'll find another way, one that doesn't involve killing anybody.

Al: Let me get this straight. You think the reason why I've been so silent lately is because I'm upset that you DIDN'T TAKE A NUMBER OF HUMAN LIVES WHEN I CLEARLY AND REPEATLY SHOUTED 'DON'T DO IT?'

Ed: -Oh. Well-

Commentator: Told ya.

Ed: Shut up.

Professor: God, they're as bad as each other!

Ed: Well then, why are you mad at me?

Al: I'M MAD BECAUSE I DISCOVERED THE TRUTH THAT I NEVER EXISTED AS A HUMAN AND ALL THE MEMORIES I HAVE ARE FAKE!

Ed: Oh. Right. Wait, what?

Al: Brother, you wanted to ask me something, something you were afraid of saying to me. Could it be that you were going to tell me that I'm not really you're brother?

Ed: -I was going to ask 'you're a fake'? Al, do you realise how crazy that sounds? That doesn't make any grammatical sense at all!

Al: SHUT UP! I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOUR LIES, CREATOR! I'M LEAVING THIS SERIES!

Ed: Al! Wait! Winry, why did you stop me?

Winry: Because you're in no condition to go anywhere. Duh.

Ed: You fool! Don't you realise what you've done?

Winry: No. What?

Ed: This never happened in the original manga! This can only mean one thing: We're due for a filler episode!

Winry: -Oh. Erm, whoops?

* * *

Scar: Groan, what happened? And why do I have the eery feeling of déjà vu?

Old Man: Hah! You should have known better than to try to go against the canon plot! No one can escape the fate written down by Hiromu Arakawa. We give thanks to her that we have survived the massacre.

(Mercenaries, including Barry the Chopper, attack the camp)

Old Man: Oh why does Arakawa put us through even more suffering?

Scar: This is not the work of Hiromu Arakawa. IT IS THE WORK OF BONES!

* * *

Ed: There you are! Al, I need to tell you something!

Al: Are you going to tell me that we share the same Elric blood, which makes us brothers anyway?

Ed: What? No, I need to tell you that what I was going to tell way back was if you blame me for what happened to your body?

Al: What? No, of course not! And what brought that on on that particular day?

Ed: Don't know really. Felt like it.

Al: Well despite the illogic of your story I instantly believe you (Barry flies at Al) and now that I know that you are my brother I can defeat this villain (Punches Barry into the air) with the power of love!

Ed: Man, love is very warlike in this episode!

* * *

Barry the Chopper: No! Please don't kill me! I'm such an important and funny character- GAK!

Commentator: Okay, how exactly did destroying his blood circle not kill him instantly whereas crushing his helmet, which does not house a brain, did?

* * *

Ed: By the way Scar I've forgiven you for brutally murdering my friend all those years ago. Can we be super special awesome friends now?

Scar: Of course! Even though I still despise all alchemists, I'm not going to kill you when I have the chance.

Ed: Geez, Scar wasn't such a bad guy after all!

Al: Yeah despite being a brutal serial killer.

* * *

Ed: Now let us talk about the numerous times we fought when we were little.

Al: Why?

Ed: To appease the manga fans with canon material after making them endure a filler episode.

* * *

Hughes: Mr President, Herr Fuhrer or whatever your title is, I am currently investigating the activities of the Homunculi, and I'd like to interview Dr Marcoh.

Bradley: Ah yes of course. Douglas will gladly escort you to him. Douglas? DOUGLAS!

(Douglas wakes up after sleeping on her hand on the desk)

* * *

Mustang: So Ed, what are your plans for the next arc?

Al: We have story arcs?

Ed: We're off to see our old master to see if she may know anything about restoring our bodies.

* * *

Ed: We're not going to see our master.

Winry: You're not?

Ed: No. We're actually going to track down Scar so he can tell us what he knows about the Philosopher's Stone.

Manga: For God's sake will you just give up on the Philosopher's Stone already? I can't believe you're still going after it, after everything you've learnt!

Ed: Well I'm thinking that since alchemy isn't found in Ishbal, that the Ishbalans might have created the stone in another way. One that possibly doesn't involve using people as the key ingredient.

Al: AHEM!

Ed: Sorry. I meant the only ingredient.

Manga: Okay, I admit that sounds plausible. But still you're planning to subverse a canon arc for a filler one?

* * *

Hughes: You know Douglas, I've been doing some research and discover you're not who you say you are.

Lust: SURPRISE! (Points fingers at Hughes)

Hughes: Well this is a tight situation I've got myself in. But I'm sure I can get out of it without a scratch!

Lust: Hah! Fool, you will not escape!

Hughes: How do you know?

Lust: We Homunculi have read the manga; we know your fate.

Hughes: Errrrrr….I get off scotch free and live happily ever after?

(Silence)

Lust: HAHA! HAHA! HAHAHAHA! Sloth, you're supposed to laugh!

Sloth: (Groan) cackling evilly is such a drag.

Lust: Uhuh.

Hughes: Well I don't care what the manga says! My intention is to survive!

Lust: Then yours is a fool's errand. Your death was foretold in the manga; it cannot be stopped.

Hughes: But surely now that I know what is going to happen in the future I can change it?

Lust: It won't make a difference.

Hughes: What do you mean?

Lust: Succeed or fail, the result is the same, what is published in the manga cannot be changed.

Hughes: (Throws a knife in Lust's head) Thanks for the advice! (Runs away)

Lust: Sloth! Go after him!

Sloth: (Groan) Why do all of you give me most of the work? Douglas, lead Marcoh into the hotel. Douglas, lead Hughes into a trap. Douglas, chase after the man who knows our secrets.

Lust: JUST DO IT!

Sloth: (Groan) Fine! (Moan) Chasing after main characters is such a drag!

* * *

Hughes: Thanks for coming to my aid, Lieutenant Ross. By the way I didn't know you had a travelling mole!

Ross: -I have a mole?

Hughes: You know, if you were able to creep up on me, you may have been able to kill me. But since you came to me up front and a couple of metres away- (Throws knife)

Ross/Envy: GAK!

Hughes: It gives me the chance to defeat you.

(Ross/Envy's body falls to the ground)

Hughes: I did it. I actually did it. I changed my fate! WOOHOO! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! I changed my fate! I changed my fate! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! I cheated death! I cheated death! Right then. I'm off to see my family.

(As he turns, Envy's body starts to shudder)

Envy: (Chuckles) Fool. Don't you know? You cannot change your fate. (Gets up) No manga character can. (Takes on the form of Hughes' wife) As a wise doctor and religious leader once said, the canon plot always finds a way to right itself!

BANG

Hughes: (Oh shhhhhhhhhhhh-)

Envy: Huh. I'm sure Sloth was supposed to join me.

* * *

Sloth: Aaaaaaah. I couldn't get past the next door. This bed is such bliss!

* * *

Mustang: Well Hughes. I find it really annoying how you got promoted above me. Although it was very hard against all those paedophile allegations! Sigh. I remember the time when you came to me during my darkest hour.

* * *

Hughes: I wouldn't know the horrors you've faced, Mustang. I took a desk job, so I wasn't involved in the fighting.

Manga: Hughes, what the Hell are you talking about? You were right there, right in the middle of it!

Hughes: Mustang, where did you get that talking manga in the first place?

Mustang: Well…

(Years ago)

Fortune Teller: Step right up and I shall reveal your future: In Amestris! Here, have this manga comic book, it shall tell you the future according to the original plot. (As Mustang walks away, the Fortune Teller unmasks himself to reveal he is in fact the Commentator)

Commentator: BWAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAA!

* * *

Professor: Wait. YOU created that talking manga comic?

Commentator: But of course! The website wouldn't allow Arakawa to appear on the show so I had to substitute her with a talking manga comic. Course, at times it does feel like it usurps my role as Commentator. (Sigh) Maybe it was a mistake to put a bit of my brain in the book.

Professor: YOU DID WHAT?

Commentator: Oh I poured some of my own consciousness into the comic book to give it life. Haven't you ever noticed how it can be just as criticising, sarcastic and eccentric as me? I got the idea from the Sorting Hat. So in you response to the second last instalment, talking Full Metal Alchemist Comic book, I AM YOUR FATHER!

Manga: No! NO! That's not true! That's impossible!

Commentator: Search your feelings; you know it to be true.

Manga: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO!

Professor: Why is being the Commentator's son so bad?

Manga: I o know. By the way, if I had shoulders, I would have shrugged them by now.

* * *

Winry: Hughes' a good man, isn't he?

Ed: Yeah, the best! He celebrated my twelfth birthday.

Al: And treated us like sons.

Ed: Yes. Clearly, he is a good man. Huh. I wonder why we're suddenly talking about him and talking about all the good things about him like we're saying his eulogy or something? (Looks out and sees Hughes' ghost, waving)

Manga: Well that made no alchemical sense.

Ed: MANGA!

Manga: What, it didn't!

TO BE CONTINUED…

* * *

**P.S. I do not own the Dahaka either. Just thought I'd mention it!**


End file.
